FEBRUARY 20, 2016
How to Be Pia Alonzo Wurtzbach
Almost two months ago, our very own Pia Alonzo Wurtzbach was crowned the new Miss Universe, becoming the third Filipina to win the crown after four decades. And at that moment, the whole country was in a joyous standstill despite Steve Harvey’s monumental mess-up during the program.
Indeed, Pia has been an inspiration to every woman out there for the past few months. She’s confident, beautiful, and has a heart. Plus, she tried three times to get on that stage, damn it! How can you not be inspired? And let’s admit it, we’ve all had this fantasy of joining beauty pageants—being made up and wearing designer dresses as you walk in front of millions of people who are all in awe with your beauty and grace.
But since not all of us have the time (or patience) to go through pageant school to even reach Pia’s level, you’ve got this article—a low-budget guide on how to become your own beauty queen of the universe, the country, and even your local barangay.
For our first order of business, you need to look the part, of course. A fool-proof way to get one of the most beautiful faces in the universe is to have German blood. Think that’s too tedious of a job for you? Then down a whole case of Heineken beer to at least feel that you are.
If anything, you still have your awesome makeup artist who’ll help you along the way to make sure that you look outstanding as you face the world. Or, if you’re really desperate, make like other celebrities and visit a cosmetic surgeon, and maybe consider having Botox injections. Don’t worry, all this will pay off in the end, and someone out there is gonna tattoo your face on their body.
Next, you have to master your pageant walk for every occasion. As a beauty queen, you’re going to be wearing different gowns, swimsuits, and what-have-you so you best be ready to rock it no matter what. So strap on your heels and follow our lead: Chin up, back straight, chest out, and walk like your life depends on it while serving everyone a piercing smize and flaunting your, erm, assets. Oh, and don’t forget to name it something ridiculous like “the tanim-bala walk” so everyone will remember.
You can’t compete in a pageant without showing off what you can do, and we Filipinos are a talented people. You wouldn’t want to bring disgrace to this country now, do you?
Let’s start with something easy like singing, and you better choose something that’s timeless and will make people feel something deep within…like a Britney Spears song. Who doesn’t love a good Britney song, right? And don’t worry if you can’t carry a tune—you’re BFFs with an internationally acclaimed singer anyway. She can help you out.
Another great option is to dance along to something that everyone’s been dancing to for the last month or two like the undying Nae Nae. Plus badass points for you if you can pull it off while wearing high heels.
Once you’ve conquered everything and become the most beautiful woman of wherever-you-are-from, you will be a very busy woman for the whole year. You’ll have several morning show appearances and interviews in different countries booked for the whole year, get a hosting stint at the Super Bowl (where you can show off the dance moves you’ve learned), and even get the chance to walk a major runway show.
Of course, you shouldn’t forget to go back to your home country and do a series of appearances and interviews in between your day-long parade around the metro, which, by the way, will cause additional traffic. But who cares? You’re the woman of the hour! This is your special moment, and it’s so special that two of the country’s hottest men will serenade you while you get kilig over one of them.
In addition to that, you’ll get to do courtesy calls at the Senate where you’ll express your interest in entering politics, as well as meet with the President, aka your rumored ex-flame, and pray to God that his sister isn’t around to make things weird.
And don’t forget that you’re also booked to be the bridesmaid at your best friend’s wedding day. (Just try not to comment on their staggering age gap.)
Since your win was a bit unusual a bit unusual and you technically snatched that diamond-encrusted tiara off of Miss Colombia’s head because of the host’s mistake, expect that there’s going to be drama among your fellow beauty queens, as well as among Filipinos and Colombians. But hey, the best thing to do is just shake the haters off, apologize to Miss Colombia, and also go on the host’s TV show with her and forgive the guy for his mistake. (Even though Miss Colomba may have filed a case against him.)
We also have this thing in the Philippines called “making a big deal out of your true nationality.” Since you’re half-German, there will be people who will pop up and question whether you’re a true Filipino, just like they did to your co-beauty queen who’s half-Indian, and will argue on social media over it. This might also become a recurring issue if you do enter into politics where people would want to dig through your birth history. Just be thankful you’re not a foundling and wouldn’t have to be subjected to DNA tests like someone we know.
But don’t worry too much. You’re going to be fine! Just keep spreading world peace and you’ll navigate through your now-hectic life with grace and beauty.
Art by Dorothy Guya
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